The Couple’s Beginner Guide to Swinging in Cape Town
A lot of couples get curious about the idea of having someone else join them in the bedroom but ultimately reject the thought because they have either no idea on how to get started, or they’re certain their partner would just be offended by the thought. The good news is, there’s a lot we can do about the first problem and even a little we can do about the second one.
The Basics: Why do couples get into swinging?
As anyone educated in human biology will contend, human beings (unlike swans and wolves) are not naturally monogamous. As society and religion developed we chose to make a conscious effort to be monogamous, this is why it’s been so difficult for us. Forgoing the religious reasons altogether for now, there were also good social reasons for us to aim for monogamy. There were no condoms hundreds of years ago and STDs were a legitimate threat to communities, and adding to this comes the most important reason – there was no birth control or paternity testing.
People could not live peacefully in a community where everyone was in doubt as to whether their children were truly their own. During feudal times if even a shadow of doubt was to fall on the fidelity of a noblewoman she was likely to be executed, as an entire nation could be thrown into a civil war if the parentage of a royal inheritor was called into question. For hundreds of years monotheistic religions continued to vilify sex for the purpose of pleasure and cast women as morally questionable seducers of helpless men who were simply trying to get by with their souls intact – poor guys.
And so we find ourselves today, the modern inheritors of around 2000 years of sexual repression and emotional conditioning which no longer applies. Technology has removed all of the reasons our ancient ancestors had to fear sex for pleasure, and it’s now up to us to take back control of that most foundational act of the human experience.
A Brave New World: What types of swinging styles are there?
There are a few different ‘methods’ of swinging (for lack of a better term) and couples as well as individuals choose whichever suits their desires or relationship best. Here are the primary distinctions:
Open Relationship: This is when you and your partner have an understanding that you’re comfortable with one another sleeping with whomever/whenever and there’s no need to act together as a couple, though it doesn’t rule that out either.
Swinging: The primary term ‘swinging’ is generally used as a blanket term for any sort of agreed upon sex with a 3rd party, but it actually has a very specific meaning. Swinging refers to couples which only act as a pair. Any intimacy with a 3rd party which one partner was unaware of is considered cheating. It is in no way a ‘blank cheque’ for either partner to behave as their whims of the moment may dictate to them.
Polyamory: The polyamorous person is not in a relationship nor actively seeking one in most cases. They are independent people who celebrate the pleasure of sex but don’t welcome the attachments many expect it to lead to. It is the practise of consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy, and polyamorous people are obligated to make it clear to any potential sexual partner that they have other partners.
I’m interested, but how do I bring up the subject with my partner?
Firstly it’s important to understand that it’s a near certainty that they’ve had the same thought themselves at least once or twice. Certainly they’ve looked at someone in passing and thought how wonderful it would be to have you and that person at the same time. Being biologically non-monogamous, it would be unnatural to not have sexual thoughts about sexual stimuli you came across (the stimuli being another attractive human being in this case) and the same is true for your partner.
The next time you spot your partner admiring someone’s . . . attributes . . . tell them that you can see the attraction. Don’t do anything further at that point. Wait until the evening when you’re settled in at home and you’re alone and then bring it up in a matter-of-fact sort of way. “So I noticed you checking out that hot [insert gender here] at the [insert location here], and I agree they really were sexy. And it didn’t bother me at all that you were stealing a look either, because I trust you and it’s normal to look. In fact, this sort of brings up something I’ve been thinking about, I’m curious about us swinging together with another couple. What do you think?”.
And the conversation should take care of itself from there. You’ll both find yourself in all likelihood discussing your excitements and fears over the prospect.
The instinctive first reaction for men and women and how to understand it
Men and women process thoughts, danger and stress in different ways but both undergo an immediate emotional response before the logical side of the brain has time to kick in. Understand that this means that once the reasoning portion of your mind does kick in, it will already be dealing with an emotion, instead getting to decide itself what it thinks from a blank slate.
Males will fear a more dominant male arriving on the scene, diminishing them in the eyes of their partner, and women will instantly ask themselves “why am I not enough” or “is there someone he’s already planning to sleep with?” Understand that both of these responses are natural but they’re also unfair and fear based. If your relationship is healthy then he has no need to fear his wife or girlfriend would change her mind regarding his value so whimsically, and she has no reason to suspect him of infidelity or wanting to leave her because she’s ‘not enough’.
One of the most important things to understand about swinging is that it’s an aid to an already healthy sex life. As a couple, the person or people you invite to join your bed are essentially no more than vibrators to you – they are sex toys for your shared pleasure. Many new, inexperienced swinger couples hope to make new friends they can occasionally have sex with. While this may become viable after many years of swinging experience, in the beginning it is important to keep things in perspective. ‘Use them and lose them’ – they won’t mind, they’re using the two of you as well and everyone is having an amazing time.
Decades of studies have shown that monogamous relationships have a lifespan, due to the sexual frustrations which build up in both men and women for defying the natural order. In our time, isn’t it a tragedy to miss out on all that hot sex while the love of your life, your partner, is there sharing in the excitement with you? We have to re-train ourselves on what being a human animal really means, and get comfortable in our skins once more after all those centuries of sexual repression.
Every swinging couple out here in Cape Town was in exactly the same place as you once, and we’re all having a fucking great time now.
Do you see what I did there?
The two of you have a lot of life to experience together, don’t miss any more of it out of fear